you don’t bring me flowers anymore

next week the symphony welcomes pianist natasha paremski to town.  ms. paremski just happens to be the last female soloist the band will host this season, so it seems like an appropriate time to ask if you’ve noticed the same darn thing i have: the ladies ain’t gettin’ any flowers!  no hyacinths for hilary.  no nasturtiums for nathalie.  no yarrow for yuja.  no jasmine for jennifer.  no begonias for baiba.  and if the trend continues, nada for natasha as well.  i’m not complaining – the fact that every soloist (regardless of genitalia) gets absolutely nothing is sorta testimony to the tread-lightly, noncommercial, egalitarian spirit of the people’s republic of portland, dontcha think?  and the beaver’s gotta say the practice of giving a rose bouquet to all the female soloists was predictable, sexist, and frankly, embarrassing.  i know, i know, we’re known as the “rose city” dangnabbit and it’s the perfect tie-in and we’ve been doing it for a hundred years, but c’mon people, i always wanted to see us mix it up a little.  maybe switch to some monkeytails and a native fern.  or get rid of the flowers altogether.  perhaps the sponsor of that night’s performance gets to choose the gift.  for example, mozart piano concerto #22: sponsored by alaskan airlines might find a blushing stephen hough accepting a pair of round-trip business class tickets redeemable for anywhere the good folks at alaskan airlines (or their affiliates) fly.  or perhaps the soloist gets to choose their prize, sorta like the first few seasons on wheel of fortune… the orchestra could be on one half of a giant lazy susan that would rotate after the concerto is finished, revealing a fabulous selection of home appliances… the crowd would ooh and aah as chee-yun selected an olive-green frigidaire complete with water dispenser as her night’s booty.  [hey, i’m just brainstorming here]  well, for those times when a standing ovation just won’t do, the classical beaver leaves you with its top 10 list of things that could easily replace the rose bouquet here in stumplandia:

10 – a medical marijuana card

9 – warm chocolate peanut butter pies from whiffies food cart

8 – a basket of fresh, local, organic produce from new seasons market

7 – a pair of tickets to hear dolorean at mississippi studios

6 – $50 gift card for r.e.i.

5 – a few of those bantam chickens with the crazy poofy feathers

4 – a growler of hopworks ace of spades imperial i.p.a.

3 – one of those kickass tall bikes

2 – something on etsy

1 – an invitation to a vegan potluck after the show

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3 Responses to “you don’t bring me flowers anymore”


  1. 1 Katharine Quince March 30, 2011 at 12:43 pm

    Hilarious.

  2. 2 Childe Harold March 30, 2011 at 2:35 pm

    1. the installation of a new rain swale outside the soloist’s home by the Commissariat of the Democratic Peoples’ Republic of PDX

    2. the conversion of a derelict parking lot near the soloist’s home into a new pod of food carts specializing in anything deep fried

    3. a recumbent bike with a trailer and fake baby, so you can drive in the I-5 carpool lane between gigs in PDX and Seattle


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